Buddha Babes vs. Hot Stix: A Rollercoaster of Skills, Thrills, and Occasional Spills!
Date: Unforgettable Night
Venue: The One and Only Frozen Tundra of Lady Excellence
Final Score: Buddha Babes 6 - 1 Hot Stix
Pre-Game Spectacle:
Before the puck even hit the ice, Coach Ken "The Zen Master" Breitenbach led the Buddha Babes in a chant that sounded like a mashup of Buddhist chants and Cardi B lyrics. Meanwhile, the Hot Stix were seen downing what looked like either pre-game shakes or last night's leftover margaritas. Who's to say?
The Chronicles of the First Period:
Holy moly, Tammy "Swipe Right for a Hat Trick" Derasp (#11) slapped one in at 5:20 for her first career goal. Hot damn, she swiped right again at 4:30 in the third!
Melody "It’s-not-a-fluke" Gibson (#21) netted one at 4:51 that was saucier than a bachelorette party dare.
Allison "Eat My Dust" White (#5) found her true nemesis in the blue line, which took her out at 2:50 like it was jealous of her last relationship.
Emily "Serpentine" Breitenbach (#3) then decided to take everyone to school, zigzagging through the opposition at 2:35 to put it in the top shelf, where Grandma hides the good cookies. Goal!
End of 1st Period Score: Buddha Babes 3, Hot Stix 0
The Second Period Saga:
Jamie "Swipe Left for Luck" Huggins (#8) for Hot Stix put one over Kayleigh "The Guardian of the Net’s Virtue" Carter (#31) at 7:19.
Alysia "Catch Me If You Can" Rivando-Robb (#16) answered with a goal at 5:02 that was saucier than a middle-aged dating profile.
Melody "Rocket Woman" Gibson (#21) had a breakaway at 5:15 that got stuffed by the Hot Stix goalie. The rejection stung like reading an ex’s wedding announcement.
Emily "Wrong Number" Breitenbach dropped a pass at 2:40 as if she was dropping a drunk text into an ex's DMs.
End of 2nd Period Score: Buddha Babes 4, Hot Stix 1
The Third Period Chronicles:
Brooke "Got-a-Love-Tap" Fleming (#7) felt a rub-out by Huggy Bear Huggins (#8) at 1:50 that made her wonder if she was still playing hockey or reliving college nights.
At 11:10, Erica "Butterfingers" Horton (#23) flubbed a pass straight into Barbara "Almost There" Lemire (#2), who just couldn't get it past the goalie.
At 5:13, Emily "The Energizer Bunny" Breitenbach (#3) fired a shot that led to a save so beautiful it should have been framed and put over someone's fireplace.
Tammy "Deuce Bigalow" Derasp (#11) got her second at 4:20, going five-hole like she found a loophole in a prenup.
End of 3rd Period Score: Buddha Babes 6, Hot Stix 1
After the Whistle Blew:
Tammy "Good Girl Gone Bad" Derasp (#11) had a penalty-free night. Did she find Jesus, or did she just not get caught?
Tanya "Keep It Down" Franke (#10) didn't reenact last week's regurgitative performance. Kudos!
Zebras of the Night:
A shoutout to Referees Rob "I'm Here for the Beer" Buchanon and Chris "Wait, Where’d the Puck Go?" Kerluik. They were more attentive than a married man on a dating app.
And so, the night was a blend of missed shots, near pukes, and chances that had us screaming more than a low-budget horror film. The Buddha Babes continue their reign of fabulous terror, while the Hot Stix are left to ponder the many meanings of life, love, and why they keep tripping over the damn blue line.
Until next week, when the mascara runs, but the skaters don't!
