Buddha Babes vs. Brewhawks: The Ageless Antics on Ice!
Pre-Game Pep Talk
Coach Ken Breitenbach gathers the Buddha Babes, looking like he's about to drop some wisdom or maybe just drop his dentures. Assistant Coach Gayle Breitenbach nods along, prepared for another classic Ken moment.
"Listen up, ladies! You remember the 5 D's of hockey, right?" Coach Ken exclaims, adjusting his bifocals.
The team leans in, hungry for wisdom—or maybe just hungry, it's hard to tell.
"Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, and... Drink!"
Cue the uproarious laughter, as some realize their coach might've been hitting that fifth "D" a little early today.
1st Period: Geriatric Jukes & Juvenile Flukes
9:13: Tammy Derasp (Buddha Babes #11) decides she’s on "Dancing with the Stars," tripping over the puck like it was her dance partner. Nobody puts Baby in the corner—except gravity!
8:16: May Glenney (Brewhawks #24) proves red lines are just as tricky as red ropes at the club when you're not on the list. Girl, you tripped!
5:00: Kelsey Visser (Brewhawks #16) attempts to bodycheck a ref but ends up hitting the ground. Auditions for WWE are next door, darling!
3:30: Tamara Nieuwold (Brewhawks #4) shoots and Kayleigh Carter (Buddha Babes Goalie #1) makes it a double-double with back-to-back saves. Yeah, swipe left on that one, Nieuwold!
0:36: Kelsey Visser (Brewhawks #16) puts one in the net. The puck probably felt bad for her earlier mishap.
0:15: Emily Breitenbach (Buddha Babes #3), who is so young she probably thinks AOL is a TikTok dance move, races down like she’s chasing the last 50% off item at a Black Friday sale. Nice shot, but time wasn't on your side!
2nd Period: Hot Flashes & Cold Brews
7:05: Kayla Hessels (Brewhawks #20) takes a wrist shot, and Kayleigh Carter pops out rebounds like a Pez dispenser. Try again, sweetie!
5:42 and 3:14: Emily Breitenbach (Buddha Babes #3) makes all the seasoned players feel like they're chaperoning the prom as she shows you can still hustle when your bones are still growing.
2:27: Victoria Peebles (Brewhawks #22) scores without any help. Must be nice to be young and not need reading glasses to find the net.
2:18: Alysia Rivando-Robb (Buddha Babes #16) shoots like she’s been holding onto that move since the ‘90s.
1:55: Hailey Gifford (Buddha Babes #6) weaves through the Brewhawks like she’s avoiding commitment. Close, but no cigar!
0:36: Emily Breitenbach (Buddha Babes #3) goes for a field goal instead of a goal goal. Wrong sport, but right attitude, kid!
0:10: Erica Horton (Buddha Babes #23) snatches the puck like it’s the last wine bottle on a Saturday night.
3rd Period: Wrinkles Meet Twinkles
10:30: Hailey Gifford (Buddha Babes #6) tries to turn the Brewhawks' defense into traffic cones. Beep, beep!
4:53: Victoria Peebles (Brewhawks #22) nets another, probably to get more likes on her TikTok.
2:30: Kim Scholman (Brewhawks #11) shoots one right off Kayleigh Carter’s mask. That’s one way to ask for her number!
0:20: Emily Breitenbach (Buddha Babes #3) snowplows Kim Scholman (Brewhawks #11), knocking her down like a game of human bowling. Strike!
Locker Room Tea ?
Tanya Franke (Buddha Babes #10) was MIA. Too many pre-game beers, or is it a midlife crisis?
Tammy Derasp (Buddha Babes #11) was actually civil tonight. Did someone replace her coffee with decaf?
In a performance that redefined the term "brick wall," Buddha Babes' goalie Kayleigh Carter stopped 35 shots, resembling a human flyswatter on Red Bull. One might wonder if she had Velcro on her gloves or had bribed the puck to play for her team. Carter stopped the puck more times than the team stopped at the beer cooler. At one point, she even faced a shot right off the mask, rattling her so much she briefly thought she was back in high school algebra class. With reflexes like a cat on a caffeine binge, she pulled off saves that had the Brewhawks wondering if they were shooting at a goalie or a CGI character from The Matrix. Hats off to Kayleigh, the unofficial "Save Queen" of the night! 🍻🥅👑
Final Score:
Buddha Babes: 0 (Just like the number of cares they give)
Brewhawks: 3 (Just like the number of TikToks they posted during the game)
Whether you're still getting carded or you're just counting cards these days, remember: age is just a number, but on the ice, numbers don't lie! Until next time, keep the beers cold and your chirps colder! Cheers! 🍻🏒🤣
